I think it is time to address the reasons why I haven’t been writing as much. Writing is my outlet. It fills my cup while hopefully pouring into others at the same time. SO why would I give that up?

I didn’t have words.

Usually, I can take what life throws at me and learn from it and share it with others.

Usually, my posts flow out of me like a rushing river. Instead, it has been a drought.

I had been avoiding writing because I did not want to acknowledge all of the feelings I have been having. I also did not know where to even begin.

In the past two years I have: started college, lost my uncle/big brother to me to suicide, moved across the country, rekindled with the love of my life, got married, and graduated college. There has been so much change in my life. While I am very proud of myself and how I have been handling life, I felt like I lost myself for a bit.

Grief comes in waves. There are some days when it feels like the day I lost my uncle. There are other days when every little thing reminds me of him. Everything built up and I was in fight or flight mode just surviving to get through.

I did not feel like myself and I was discouraged that I couldn’t do more or help more people. I always felt like I wasn’t doing a good enough job or wasn’t making progress fast enough. I was irritable and would take it out on those closest to me.

I could not help others until I helped myself. I was running 100 miles an hour and finally hit a wall. It hurt, but I’m thankful I did. These past few months I have reconnected with myself. I have faced some hard truths and am continuing to grieve and learn how that fits into my life. I have been learning that sometimes we simply just need to rest and do nothing. We are still good enough even then.

Somedays my best was simply getting out of bed.

I see all of these quotes and posts about “healing yourself.” I hate to say it but that is a bunch of crap.

If we could heal ourselves not a single one of us would be hurting or suffering because we would heal ourselves right away. Would we not?

I know I would.

The truth that no one wants to talk about is that you cannot heal yourself. You cannot fix yourself. Yes, you can take healing steps or participate in activities that are good for your soul. Those activities themselves do not heal you.

You have to be a part of your healing and willing to do some work, face hard things, and take care of yourself. But the only person who could ever heal you is Jesus.

I am not saying this in some cookie-cutter “God’s got this!!!” type of way (even though he does). I swear if one more person tells me to “give it to God, and be nice to yourself” I will lose it.

That is not how this works, at least not for me.

I was afraid to be honest about my struggles and my messiness because for some reason I felt like that made me less than or not worthy to be loved. I felt like I had to live up to an image of myself that others created.

I held it all inside until I could not do it on my own anymore.

Most of the time Jesus doesn’t heal in one minute or one day. He could, but he usually does not work that way. It is a day by day proccess.

I think this is because then we would miss out on all of the lessons the crap, hurt, messiness, and struggles teach us. They make us who we are and show us what we are made of. They bring us to our knees and show us that we really cannot get through this life alone– peacefully.

We can make it on our own but we will be struggling and anxious the whole time.

If you want peace and hope in the middle of your mess, then you need Jesus.

Jesus met me in my closet where I hid to cry.

He met me in my anxious thoughts when I was irrational and could not think straight.

He met me in my irritability when I was unkind to those who are closest to me.

He met me in my mind when I was tearing myself down for not doing better.

He met me in each moment of every day. He was there, whether I acknowledged him or not. He was there giving me exactly what my heart and mind needed when I did not even know what I needed.

Jesus is not the God of perfect manicured people who sit in the pews and pretend they have it all together. Nor the people who hate and judge others in his name. Does he still love them? He sure does.

(If you read the bible you will see that those closest to Jesus were the biggest messes in history. Also huge screw ups but Jesus loved them anyway.)

Jesus is the God of the perfectionist, insecure, anxious, depressed, lonely, addicted, odd, and outcast. He does not run away from our messes but rather toward. He wants to be with us in our mess and help us through.

Next time you feel “too messy” or “not put together enough” remember that no one is as perfect as they seem. We all have our mess no matter how private or public it is and Jesus loves you anyway.

Letting Jesus in does not look like a checklist of things you need to do to be good enough. It looks like taking time out of your day– no matter how long– to spend with him. Getting to know him through bible stories, talk to him about your struggles, thank him for the blessings in your life, blab to him about the latest drama.

It isn’t this huge grand gesture. It is day by day creating a relationship and learning whether or not he is someone you trust and want to be a part of your life. At the end of the day it is your choice to make. I will never shove my beliefs down your throat, but I will respect and love you regardless of your beliefs.

For me, I could have never survived these past years without his strength. It is scary to think about who I could have become instead. For now, I am taking life day by day. I am trying new things and learning what I like and don’t like. I am listening to what my body and intuition tell me. I am learning what makes me joyful and happy even when life is messy.

From someone who is learning who she is again,

From someone who is embracing her mess,

From someone who is taking steps TOWARD healing but trusting Jesus to DO the healing.

From someone like you,

Bela.