1/11/21

I, like you, have spent my whole life healing from things. Maybe it is painful memories or situations from childhood, a heartbreak, a reality that was ripped away, losing a loved one, or maybe even losing yourself. You would think that having to heal from things before, we would learn that healing takes time. I don’t know about you but I want to be healed yesterday.

I sit with myself sometimes and get mad at my feelings. I get mad that I’m not “further along.” I get mad that some things still pull at my heart strings, and I get even more mad when I realize that some things always will pull at my heart stings.

I read books, I try to learn something and heal with reading. I listen to podcasts trying to find someone who has gone through what I have and can tell me exactly what to do to make this hole of heavy pain in my heart, go away. I take baths to relax and take care of myself to maybe wash away some of the hurt. I make sure to rest a little extra on the days where I am feeling blue. But guess what, it is still there.

I like to be in control. I want to control my healing, I have said before that I wish I had a progress tracker on my healing so I could see how far left I have to go. Controlling right?

All it takes is a hurtful sentence, heartbreaking phone call, or seeing something unbelievable, to shatter our hearts. It is so frustrating that in a split second pieces of us, our reality, our heart, future, plans, and ‘security’ can be obliterated.

The initial injury is always quicker than the recovery. If you sprain your ankle or tear an ACL, like heartbreak, it only takes a split second to happen. The recovery involves lots of rest, physical therapy, and patience. The recovery is painful. Physical therapy is painful. Even after the recovery sometimes we still aren’t 100% or we work a little differently than we did before.

I giggle at myself sometimes that I think I am just going to wake up one day and be completely healed. I also find it funny that I think I can heal myself. I find myself trying to pick up the pieces and put them back together like they were before, but sometimes we need to be broken to become stronger. Sometimes trying to go back, holds us back and keeps us stuck.

There is no going back to your past self, your pre-heartbreak self. But there is choosing to go forward to your stronger, more compassionate self.

I am realizing that in my heartbreak I am not strong enough to put myself back together. If I was, I would’ve never let myself break in the first place. I need to ask for help, which is something I am not good at. I need to be honest about when I am struggling and hurting- which takes being vulnerable and honest. Most of all I have to let God be God.

I know God is the only one who could possibly put my pieces back together, and lately I have been having a hard time talking to him. I am mad at him. I want to yell at him. I want my questions answered. I want to be in the loop on what the heck is going on in my life. I know I am clenching on to this hurt because I want to control it. I don’t want to let go and trust that he will use it for good.

I know there is a lot my little tiny human brain could never comprehend on this side of eternity. Even when I struggle to believe it I have to remind myself that his thoughts are higher than mine. His plans are bigger than my wildest dreams. He is closer than ever in heartbreak even when I have a million different emotions and feeling loved is low on the totem poll. Even when I don’t FEEL him near or working in my life he is. And I am thankful for it.

I am thankful that I am not in the loop on everything going on in my life because some things I would hate to know. There are some things I could never prepare myself for, but only get through one day at a time.

I think we all need to stop trying so hard to heal ourselves. Being broken or hurt does not make you less than or weak.

God’s strength is perfected in your weakness. You don’t have to ‘be strong.’ Bring your weakness to him and let him be strong for you.

God does not make mistakes. He is perfect in everything he does. But, he also uses everything– even our messy heartbreak– for good.

Somehow there is good in the situation you are going through. Maybe it is growing you and opening your eyes. Maybe it is bringing up things that you have yet to let go of and let God heal in you. Maybe it is preparing you for something bigger. Maybe one day you will use this pain to help someone else through it too.

You can still take steps to heal- journal, read, listen to podcasts, ask for help, talk to someone you trust, and be patient and kind to yourself. But know, that the actual act of healing is not in your hands. You don’t have that power.

I don’t believe that we will ever be fully healed until we get to heaven. If my heartbreak completely went away, I would never be able to relate or help anyone else who is hurting. There are some things that will sting forever, but in time and with God, they will not control my life.

Be kind and patient to yourself. Take things one day at a time. Celebrate progress.

Celebrate being made into who you were created to be.

Nothing, not a single tear, heartbreak, or sleepless night goes to waste. God will take all things and work them together for good.

A lot of this is hard to hear, and honestly I am in need of my own advice. I struggle with trying to heal myself. I struggle with letting go. I struggle with having the strength to get through each day. Sometimes looking ahead is overwhelming to me. Sometimes all I can do is focus on doing my best today, and then try to be a little better tomorrow.

If you are in a place of heartbreak and healing in your life, you are not alone. You are doing great. You are strong. You are loved. You are important. I am so proud of you for waking up each morning and continuing to do your best. This pain will not last forever. There is a purpose in your pain. There is peace that surpasses all understanding, and unspeakable joy on its way. You have not experienced some of the best days of your life yet. There are good things coming. Do the best you can today.

One day at a time.

“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of it’s own.” – Matthew 6:34

If you have breath in your lungs, you have a purpose on your heart.

From someone who struggles to let go.

From someone who has been shattered.

From someone who is learning to take things one day at a time.

From someone like you,

Bela.