2/20/20

I had 12 people in my house for a week. Usually there is only 6 of us. We had my best friend and our family friends stay with us. i love them all, but i also love my alone time.

I find that when i am around people a lot i get very tired. I find that i do not have time to process things or deal with feelings that come up. It is like everything slowly bottles inside of me, waiting for them to leave so i can explode in peace.

I have been trying to find a way to be around people without the build up. Or without having to avoid my feelings to entertain others. I don’t like when my routine is messed up. I like to journal and work out everyday, it helps keep me from running from my feelings and exploding.

The more i push them down, the stronger they become. But i don’t want to go shut myself in my room while everyone is playing cards. I don’t want to walk around grouchy either. Do you see the issue?

I can put a smile on for a period of time. The longer i do it the more miserable i feel. The more i run from my feelings and things that hurt me, the more they show up and hurt.

I try to talk myself down in my head and remind myself that it is okay to have these feelings. That it is okay that i need time to myself. That it is okay that i am struggling.

This whole time i have been trying to find a way to avoid making intentional alone time for myself just to please others. But really, i need it.

There is nothing wrong with taking 20 minutes in the morning or before you go to bed to decompress and write about what is bothering you. Or crying in the shower to get it out. There is nothing wrong with alone time, but for some reason when you have company for extended periods of time– it seems rude.

The people pleaser side of me feels bad for taking time for myself. But i know that i will not be any fun after a couple days of not making time for me. I will be drained, tired, crabby, and irritated.

This post is your permission to go out of your way to make some time for yourself. Do something that you love. Take a bath. Start reading a book. Go cry. Write in your journal. Go have a jam session. Do something to release the built up emotions and to remind yourself that you matter.

You cannot pour from an empty cup. You cannot show up 100% if you do not take time for yourself. It is selfish of you not to take time for yourself because then you cannot show up for others. Remember to make time for yourself. It is not selfish, it is loving.

Do what is needed to be the best you. Your future self will thank you for it.

From a people pleaser,

From someone who struggles with dealing with her feelings,

From someone who needs her alone time,

From someone like you,

Bela.