2/10/20

I started writing a letter to my biological dad yesterday. It is nothing new. I usually journal out my thoughts. I have called him multiple times in the past to tell him how I feel and what I want.

I told you in my last post about how i haven’t talked to him in almost 2 years. During those two years i have turned 18 and sobbed on my birthday because it meant i was becoming an adult and he missed my whole childhood. I graduated high school and sobbed that day because i really was growing up and closing my childhood chapter and he missed all of it. I published my first book which i also sobbed because i wanted so badly to call him and tell him and i wanted him to be proud of me.

I also got adopted by my stepdad. Which my biological dad is not too happy about. I did not get adopted to slam the door in my bio dads face. I got adopted because for the past 13 years my step dad is the one who has been there day in and day out. He has shown me what a dad should be. Mentally when he adopted me it made it real that yes this is what a dad should be. No my bio dad does not show up in this way, but i still love him and hope he does someday.

I get it often that since i have a step dad that loves me it somehow cancels out my bio dad’s issues and hurt. I get told how lucky i am and how great my step dad is. And he is, and i am lucky, but he does not take away that hole in my heart where my bio dad should be. It does not take away the late night thoughts of how much i wish my bio dad would have been there and blaming myself for his absence.

Having a second dad who is a great dad does not make it hurt any less that my bio dad chose himself over me.

I know that if he would have chosen me, things would look way different in my life. I would have never met my step dad who i love and could not live without. I wouldn’t have my two younger siblings from my mom and step dad. I am not saying that if i could turn back time i would make my bio dad choose me and give my step dad up.

I would not choose this, but i wouldn’t change it either.

I feel the absence of my bio dad everyday. There is something that happens every day that i want to tell him about. There is a biological bond between us, even after all the crap he put me through.

I also feel the presence of my step dad. I feel his love and how he loves me like his own. I feel our connection, he balances me and gets me.

I am allowed to feel both. I am allowed to be thankful for my step dad and love him while grieving my bio dad and loving him.

I see this in my friend who is adopted from another country, she somehow thinks that just because she is adopted into this great home with loving parents and siblings, that that means she wont miss or think about her bio parents. And if she does miss them or think of them she feels guilty like she is betraying her family.

If this is you, you are allowed to be thankful and grieve at the same time. You are not confined to one emotion. I feel thankful and grief at the same time often. It is reality. There will never be a day when our biological parents absence does not hurt or bother us, no matter how happy we are or how thankful we are.

I know sometimes things in this life do not make sense. They hurt, they suck and they knock us down. But they are all working together for our good. Maybe your life is not falling apart, maybe it is falling together.

Give yourself permission to feel whatever you are feeling.

Give yourself permission to face reality and take it for what it is.

Give yourself permission to grieve and be thankful at the same time.

Everything happens for a reason.

From someone who is struggles with absence,

From someone who feels guilty about her struggles,

From someone who is learning how to be okay with grieving and being thankful at the same time.

From someone like you,

Bela.