1/13/20

Hello Sweet Friend,

I have been struggling to deal with some things that have really hurt my heart. I feel like I have been walking around with a heart that weighs a ton.

I recently lost my best friend since birth. He was at my first birthday party, and we have been close ever since.


I avoid talking about this because I think if I ignore it, it will just go away. That I won’t hurt anymore. But I know that is not true. I can not heal by lying to myself.


By lost, I mean we aren’t friends anymore. Although I know I have grieved him not being in my life.


We told each other everything. There were no secrets, even all of the hard ugly stuff. At my adoption party, he made a comment to me in front of others. A comment that immediately made my stomach drop to the floor and I thought my throat was going to close completely.


My ex-boyfriend cheated on me, and my best friend new details that other people didn’t, and in this comment, he used them against me. In front of others.


While he knew how devastated I was about my ex, and how hard I was working to heal— My best friend was the only person who made a rude comment to me about him.


He cut me the deepest, and with the sharpest knife.


I told him how it hurt me and questioned why he would ever think to say that to me. He said it wasn’t that big of a deal, and that I’m overreacting. he didn’t get why I was hurt so much. He didn’t apologize.


We haven’t talked since.


I have always told myself that forgiveness is not an option even when they aren’t sorry. I do this because I have felt the hardness and bitterness that comes with unforgiveness. I know the damage it can do to my heart. Like it is in this moment.


I feel rage. I feel hate. I feel betrayed. I feel sick to my stomach. I feel dizzy sometimes when I think about it. The thought of looking at my best friend makes me want to puke…. which I am pretty positive is not a side effect of forgiveness.


Maybe you have had this happen to you too.


Someone so close to you has cut you the deepest and you are filled with all of these heavy emotions.


These emotions can rule our lives. I know this because they are ruling mine right now. I have been avoiding dealing with them because I don’t want to think about how hurt I am.


The only thing scarier to me than thinking about how hurt I am is thinking that I will be hurt and heavy like this forever. I know this will be my future if I don’t start dealing with this now.


I am not sure why I chose to write about this today. Maybe because part of me is tired of running from my hurt. Maybe I am exhausting myself staying mad and hateful. Maybe I am ready to start healing.


I have to remind myself that you can’t heal overnight. Even when I forgive him, there will still be days that I feel the sting. There will still be days where I feel like my blood is boiling.


But there will be days that I will think of him, and feel sad for him. Sad that he is at the place in his life where he would hurt the closest person to him. Sad that he is drowning in pride. Sad that our friendship will never be the same.


I want to work on getting to the place where I look at him with love and compassion. Not bitterness and hate.


This does not mean that I am not hurting. This does not mean that I am saying that what happened was okay, and everything can go back to normal.


This means that I am choosing to not let these emotions rule my life anymore. That I remember that hurt people hurt people.


I never want to let a cut from someone cause me to bleed on those who have not hurt me.


Unforgiveness is like drinking poison and hoping that someone else dies.


My heart is exhausted.


You get the choice to let hard situations like these make you bitter, or better.


I want to be better.


From someone who has been hurt by those closest to her,


From someone who has a heavy heart,


From someone who is choosing to let hard things make her better,


From someone like you,


Bela.