1/8/20

Hello Sweet Friend,

Have you ever had something that seemed too good to be true? Have you sat and waited for the shoe to drop? Have you built walls around your heart?

Me too.

I struggle with trust.

It stems back from when my biological dad decided he didn’t want to be my dad. I was 5. Ever since then trust has been this dark cloud over my head that I needed to learn how to deal with. I correlated trust with heart break.

He wasn’t the only person to break my trust and I am certain it will be broken more in the future. That’s just the sad reality.

I had a boyfriend who was unfaithful to me almost our whole relationship. He was one of the first males I let myself fully trust since my dad. Needless to say, I built my walls even higher after that.

I am so used to disrespectful, dishonest, selfish, degrading men. Not to be harsh, but that is what I am used to. I am used to being belittled and having my opinion overlooked. I am used to being lied too and then made to feel crazy about it. I am used to them choosing their needs and wants over mine. I am used to no boundaries and feeling like I cannot say no. If I say no than I am less of a person.

That is my normal.

I am trying to break the cycle of being attracted to guys just like my biological dad. The only issue is whenever I am talking to a genuinely good guy. Good meaning respectful, honest, thoughtful, and kind. I don’t know how to handle it.

Part of me just wants to run immediately. Part of me waits for the shoe to drop and for their inner dillhole to come out. I don’t even know how to act when they go out of their way to be respectful to me. It honestly makes me want to cry. I knew how I was being treated was bad, but didn’t know it was THAT bad.

Something simple like telling me “You know you can say no to me” stopped me in my tracks. I Can???? and you won’t be mad???? Is this a trick??? umm okay…

I am not used to such care and intentionality. I am used to having my walls so high up that no one can hurt me. Even when I am talking to a nice guy, it is hard for me to let them down. I tend to block out feelings so when the shoe drops, I don’t get as hurt.

I don’t want to do that.

I want to be able to be treated well. I want being treated well to be my new normal. I want to have standards. To have boundaries. To say no without feeling bad. I don’t want to settle and be manipulated. I don’t want to be scared of being happy.

I know I am not the only person who struggles with this. I know how easy it is to settle for your normal because it is all you know. I know how scary it is to open yourself back up. I know the guys who are nice seem to be “boring” in a sense.

Here’s the thing, they are “boring” because they are not manipulating us and playing games with our heads. When you are used to manipulation, games and toxic relationships, healthy relationships are going to seem boring and odd.

Because you haven’t experienced one yet. It is uncomfortable. I challenge you that the next time you are talking to a guy that you know is good. You know he is kind, respectful, honest, and thoughtful, and that voice in your head tells you to run, or tells you that you aren’t interested. Ignore it.

Give it a chance. I know it doesn’t give you the same rush as the toxic relationships do, but you know damn straight this guy will take care of your heart and mind, without any games. That is what we want. If it wasn’t a little scary, it wouldn’t be worth it. It will grow you and challenge you in the best way.

These are the kinds of things worth fighting for.

Being scared and doing them anyway.

Stop letting yourself be scared of being happy. Stop waiting for something bad to happen. Do your best to look for the good in others, and in every situation.

We all deserve a good man. A healthy relationship where our hearts are taken care of, not played with.

Don’t settle just because it is safe.

I know I would have too. It was all I knew.

From someone who literally has no clue how to function in a healthy relationship,

From someone who overthinks constantly to try to protect herself,

From someone who struggles with trusting,

From someone like you,

Bela.