1/7/20

Hello Sweet Friend,

Something that I have been struggling with lately is putting myself out there. Like I am afraid to be seen, fail, or look stupid. Maybe you struggle with this too.

I built my walls up super high. I told myself that if I build these walls, then no one can get in and hurt me. I am protected this way.

For a while, it worked. I let no one in. I was constantly on guard, living in fear of what might happen if I let someone get too close again.

But one day I realized that I am hurting myself by keeping others out. The very thing I was trying to do to protect myself, was hurting me.

It was hurting me because I felt like I was always looking for the bad in people. I never trusted, I feared letting people get close. I wasn’t letting myself live life the way I wanted too.

In order to have any relationship whether it is a friendship or more than friends, you have to let people in. Or what’s the point? No one wants to talk about the weather every time you see them. Being on your own gets lonely. I thought being lonely was better than letting someone in and getting hurt again.

I realized that every single person that I ever meet, or have in my life is going to let me down and most likely, hurt my feelings. Maybe not on purpose, but humans are broken and flawed. So it is bound to happen.

On the flip side, I know that I will hurt other people. Not intentionally but it will happen because I am flawed and broken. I will let people down, and I hope that when I do, that they will give me grace and forgive me for it.

If I cut someone off the minute they hurt my feelings, I am not giving them grace to be human. I am not practicing the freeing art of forgiveness when I do that.

I don’t mean that you have to keep everyone in your life. Some people are toxic to the peace in your heart, and they need to go.

But, you can forgive someone and not have them in your life.

You can forgive someone and not have a relationship with them.

You can forgive someone and still be hurt by what happened.

Forgiveness is not weak. It is not saying that what happened is alright and forgotten.

Forgiveness is choosing to let go. To not let that hurt rule your life. To not hold the transgression over someone’s head. It is choosing not to hurt them back.

Forgiveness is the act of letting go of hurt, to make room for more grace and love in your heart. And it is a hard thing to do.

You might have to forgive someone for the same thing a million times.

In your head, you might have to remind yourself that you have forgiven them, when the feelings of hurt and rage come back.

Forgiveness is a process, and it is essential to make sure we don’t walk around with bitterness in our hearts.

Unforgiveness is like drinking poison and hoping someone else dies.

That’s no way to live.

I know getting hurt sucks, and pulls you down and makes you feel not good enough. I get that. I have been there too. I have walked around with walls so high and so thick so no one could touch me.

I still do it sometimes. I know I have walls that are slowly being brought down by allowing myself to trust. By being picky with who I hang out with and spend my time with.

I am still protecting my heart, I just don’t have it on lockdown like I used to. But in order to let people in I have to be willing to forgive them when they hurt me. Even if they don’t realize what they have done and even if they are not sorry.

My heart deserves room for love and grace. I love love, don’t you? Everyone wants to be loved. Everyone wants to feel good enough.

I want to learn how to love others better even when I am hurting. Even when they are unkind. Even when they don’t love me back. I want to learn how to do all of this, and still feel good enough.

Our worth does not come from the opinions, actions, feelings, or choices of other humans.

Living life alone, and on guard all of the time is exhausting.

You don’t have to do it anymore.

I am still learning.

I am doing my best to protect my heart without having in on lockdown.

I am doing my best to forgive others when they hurt me.

From someone who is scared to get hurt,

From someone who struggles with forgiveness,

From someone who is doing her best to let others in,

From someone like you,

Bela.